A Plan

Monday my dad will begin chemotherapy. He'll take 4 pills daily Monday through Friday, then two weeks of recuperation, then pills Monday through Friday, then two weeks of recuperation, then Monday through Friday, and so on, indefinitely. Things that would alter this: (1) if the pills don't affect the tumor/cancer, the treatment will be stopped. (2) if he's responding really well, they can give his body longer breaks in between. The doctor says he will be pretty well, pretty good feeling during the two weeks. I have my doubts. Side effects to expect during the Monday through Friday bouts, and a few days beyond, are nausea (not being able to eat much besides broth and crackers) and being more prone to infection, so cuts, bruises, colds, etc. will be more dangerous. It seems to me that the white blood cell count would remain down, not just during the week-long treatments. I may be confused on this point.

The longest that anyone with metastatic melanoma under care of this doctor has lived since diagnosis and removal of the brain tumor and with treatment was four and a half years. But the doctor made sure to say that the number of people who had lived past two and a half was only around 6 and he'd been practicing for 25 years. If untreated with chemo, the average survival time of a patient who had a brain tumor (m.m. of course) excised was 6 months. The last two months for anyone, regardless of treatment, is pretty much all in bed, dependent on others, lots of pain management, etc. Unpleasant stuff.

I can't remember the name of the pill my dad will be taking, but he picks it up at CVS and self administers. Doesn't that seem strange? Takes away some of the mystery, which I suppose has both positives and negatives.

My dad had no hesitation in making the decision to begin. The doctor offered time to consider, get a second opinion, etc. Boom. Sign me up. was my dad's instant reply. Afterwards, alone in the carride home, my brother offered that he was turning over responsibility. I offered that he was not wanting to deal with it, didn't want to think about it anymore, just tell me what to do, let's do it. I guess we're saying similar things. And with the understanding that medicine offers no cure, I can understand not wanting to bother seeking out other options, spending energy searching. Energy becomes precious. However, time to consider and second opinions do seem reasonable to me. But also, as my brother and I talked about, we are comfortable with whatever my parents decide to do and the timing with with they proceed. The decisions are theirs ultimately; we can offer input, but it is not our place to find answers, find "the right thing." Our best role right now is emotional support. Whatever they need to do is best and I mean this in the fact that they need no extra negative thoughts ("I shoulds" etc.) so whatever they choose is good. To me, it's almost insignificant. It's the other stuff that's the important stuff. The dying. The preparation for dying. Which is NOT the expectation of dying. Finding the peace, finding the acceptance eventually. Circular phases we probably all will pass through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and back again to denial, anger,..... Or maybe we'll just go throught once. Who knows. (New thoughts compliments of readings this evening.)

My online purchases arrived today. Skimmed through all, one looks particularly good, Sacred Dying. I'm considering purchasing it for Quita and Cam and Blake and perhaps Mom, but I don't know if, in fact I do know, a book is too much for her right now. Way too much. Letters on pages. Other people's thoughts. Way too much right now. And the same for Dad, I would like him to understand/hear? some of what's in these books but I don't know how that would happen. We'll see. As I wrote earlier - follow the leads. Right now, I have the books, I will skim and read skim and read. If I am to be a transmitter I will be. If I am to keep all to myself, I will. I don't have to worry. I just have to follow the leads.

One of the library books, 100 Questions and Answers about Melanoma and Other Skin Cancers, told me that all immediate family members of someone diagnosed with Melanoma should right away be checked head to toe (literally) for melanoma. This diagnosis happened five years ago and somehow I was unaware of the severity and the implications. I was incredibly naive. I had almost no clue. The diagnosis and surgery were probably about as important as my sister's recent appendectomy was to me last weekend. I had no idea. Anyway, needless to say, I don't think a SINGLE ONE of us children or siblings of dad have have anything checked.

Good night all.

Love.

Thank you God.