Metastatic Melanoma in the Brain

So I'm thinking this is mostly my journal, which is good, because I could probably use a journal right now and it's quicker to type than to write and I haven't been writing in my journal for quite a while.

Here's what I understand at the moment. The tumor removed was shown to be metastatic melanoma. That means that it metastasized (moved) from somewhere else. That place may be the melanoma above his right eye five years ago, for which they did surgery and removed the entire lymph system of his right face, or it may be from the dark spot in his lungs or it may be from some other area in his body which they haven't seen yet. Where it is from originally will affect the course of treatment. They do not know yet what the dark spot in the lungs is. My mom and dad tell me there has been a dark spot showing up on lung x-rays for years that is unchanging. We do not know if this is the same dark spot they are talking about. Cancer in the brain is serious. I think most people do not survive it. I am not sure about this. This has to do with brief web surfing, reading some and printing out most so that I could look over it later. But my printer cartridge gave out, so I didn't get most of what I intended to print. The American Cancer Society's local chapter in near where I work so I think I should go there tomorrow in order to find questions to ask. We are walking in blind I feel. The surgeon has already proved himself to be deceptive in the distribution of information, albeit possibly for his own rationalized good motives. I will be accompanying my mom and dad to the meeting with the oncology radiation doctor on Wednesday. The following day they have a meeting with the surgeon who did the operation (he's back in town from his Labor Day trip), and the following Tuesday they meet with the oncology chemotherapy doctor. I thought simplistically at first. What's the treatment? But no, there is in fact NOT a consensus on treatment, even once the problem is zeroed in on. There are many many treatment options. Should the doctor present them to us? How can we know the ins and outs of the different options? Should the doctor do what she believes is best? Why take one single person's views? Should we aim to visit better known cancer treatment centers (e.g. Duke) to get more opinions? Is it worth spending the time?

I said today, my dad might not be around in a year, but I didn't believe it and I told Seth I didn't believe it. I do think somehow he will heal and be healed, but I'm trying to figure out if this is a lot bigger than I realized. See, I'm beginning to think so. I'm beginning to wonder if the doctors are stringing us along, giving us "quality of life for the time that remains." Boy that would piss me off. I want to know what I'm dealing with. Because even if they were to give a diagnosis of "terminal" I would not take it as terminal, but I would understand the seriousness of what we are dealing with. And the reason I wouldn't take it as terminal is because of my experience with allopathic medicine (granted it's limited) and my understanding of its limitations, my understanding of other forces involved..

I cannot imagine that my dad might die early...from cancer!!!!! No way. That's to give a sense of my feelings, sure I can believe it, the "no way" is the surreality of the moment. This really does all feel like play. We're treating it seriously with respect, but surely it's not truly happening.

So, my dad's been picking beans in the garden and picking and seeding peppers and then freezing them. His speech is better when he's had rest and quiet. When he's been around a lot of people his speech gets quite garbled and his comprehension decreases as well.

Speaking of post-surgery - the staples on his shaved head look mighty cool. He looks like a Harley badass.

I see God being able to clean his system. I've been visualizing a cleaning kind of like a flea comb gets fleas and like a sieve lets water run through. Anyway, that's the kind of mental image I've been having. Weird, huh?

And this is God, not a vague, energy of the universe, but the God, the one God. God, guiding light God. Support of all God. Omnipresent God. The I Am. Always. The great one. The Merciful One. The Healer. Still, completely uncomprehensible to me. I don't claim to be telling you what God is or who God is. Truly, I don't know but I do know I want to be fully a tool of God, fully used, and I would be very lucky to have my understanding increased.

Be well.