Fear

Shortness of breath - is the mass in the chest already getting larger? Pain in the left shoulder, near the armpit - is the mass already getting bigger?

I think this is what was on my dad and mom's minds yesterday and the day before.

Last night my father tripped into a rage. A rage that I've not seen since (and perhaps that was the first time too) since long ago when he and I erupted from our years of misunderstanding and pain and desperately wanted to hit each other and went out to the porch (because you take fights outside, right?) and stood shaking and grinding our teeth and jerking and snarling and wanting to hit each other, daring the other to, knowing how much guilt the other would feel if it was done, and we ended in an animal hug, clutching, scared, still afraid, still somewhat unresolved, but clutching, to help ignore what we had just come to. So this rage, which was last seen in a very "appropriate" (it's all relative) situation, to do with years of a father-daughter relationship, of OUR father daughter relationship, was seen last night provoked by nothing more than my mom opening the door of the microwave on the bag of popcorn that wasn't popping as it should. Yes. That's it. My dad barely got out the snarled words, "Penne, don't DO THAT!!!!!" as he tried to tell her she had just RUINED the bag. He pulled himself away and got down the hall. This is evidence. Pure evidence of the fear and stress we...they... are under. They're together. They've got each other. They each know that getting upset may make the other more upset. And they were at peace. And now that they have some fear - how do admit that - "because we're going with 'we have a peace'" right? So how can I admit my fear, so it simmers and simmers and boils and erupts. And the emotions were completely transmitted to me as well, or perhaps they were unleashed. At that moment I too want to yell and beat. I was so ready to hit, to pummel. I had a huge rage in me at that moment as well. But my dad saved us all by getting himself away. Or did he? Yes. Because how could we have gone on with violence? But obviously there is stuff here, stuff there, that is wanting to come out and is not coming out.

I am so blessed to have Seth right now. He is intentionally here for me. He is very carefully watching out for me. And he is under stress right now himself, apart from the cancer.