Two years later

I am sitting at Mom's kitchen island, Seth to my right with a Magic Hat, Bradley and Erica at the sink finishing the dishes, Cameron in a chair to my left in front of the fire, Mom asleep on the cushioned corner bench, and the radio station playing a mix of Simon and Garfunkel favorites.

Mom broke her hip on Monday, a week and three days ago. She was discharged on Wednesday at 11:30 once the nurses were done with their rounds and paperwork.

Several of us are running not on empty, but on low, running on reserve. Cam, Queet, Seth, me. Mom's body is running on reserve - it will be several weeks before her mind and body recover from this trauma-induced weakness.

So, about Halloween costumes. I, (even then running on reserve), had a low grade fever and wore overalls, the same black rubber boots and a light blue denim shirt. I was Daisy Duke in the winter. Seth was... Seth. Mom was a through-hiker. Erica and Bradley brought back the terrific 20's costumes they'd created for Carly's sister's birthday party in the Spring.

Last year, Seth was a chef and I went as his adoring Sous Chef, complete with neck ring tatoo of I [heart] Seth, which I gave myself using the mirror and a sharpie. Erica was an ice cube and Bradley had a papier mache really scary mask.

The year before that, Erica was a rubix cube and Bradley had a REAL hollowed pumpkin over his head, resting on his shoulders.

Cam and Erica are making loud noises to get a board game started and Seth is poking my keyboard.

Brinker is uncomfortable in damp and cold weather. I've started aspirin. We have 19 chickens - 6 of them Bantams who run free in the yard. Nessie and Quacli have spats but mostly avoid each other.

Micah was just born to the Browns and Zeke is fitting very well into his role of big brother.

This semester my classes are Curriculum and Schooling and then Human Development, taught by our local favorite newspaper columnist.

till later,

Jessica

Yes, annual update

So it's Sunday, the day after Holly and Troy's 10th annual Halloween party. I went as a witch, shiny Thai wrap around pants, shiny black pajama top from Goodwill, shiny satin purple Victoria's Secret robe (Goodwill), black muck rubber boots, and a hat made of poster board and silver glitter glue. Also, my awesome makeup (accentuated wrinkles and shadows) completed. I bought the boots b/c figured I'd be needing them anyway this winter to take Brinker out on walks. Her autoimmune disease has been ripping her body apart; the ACL of left hind leg ruptured and surgery was two weeks ago. She needs to be leash-walked for at least 4 months b/c of the horrible condition of her tissues. Steroids seem to have halted the devastation. Now we wait to see if her body heals itself, then after a good period of time we take her off the steroids and see if her body has forgotten to attack itself.

Back to the party - Seth surprised me by getting in the car uncostumed, then saying he'd forgotten a skullcap, and returning dressed as an old-timey press corp member, complete with trench coat, fedora, and press pass tucked in the hat band. Holly was a scullery maid, Troy a samurai, Zeke an old-time western marshall. Holly sewed all the costumes. Weather was beautifully milder than most years; cold, but not frigid; 40's. Seth and I stayed late but did not in any way close out the party - there were a good 10, 12 people around the fire when we left. Neither of us had a watch or knew what time it was till we crawled into bed: 3 a.m.!!! We drank too much too. Seth lived on the couch today. I lived in the bed today: curled up first with a movie, then with schoolwork.

Schoolwork: I'm taking my second graduate class, Applied Behavior Analysis (though the name of the class is Positive Behavioral Interventions). Last semester was Introduction to Special Education. Both these classes are non-degree, but I'm applying to to the grad program right now. Both classes will transfer in. So the plan is to be a Special Education teacher in a few years. Dr. Ba's class was demanding and time consuming but this class, Dr. G-S's, is surprisingly easy, ummm, I could say slack. So perhaps I will be able to manage 2 classes a semester after all, if they are the right ones. Ashley, my classmate, told me that Dr. Bu is easier than G-S and that Dr. P is more intense than Ba. So I can use that as my guide. I absolutely love the textbook for this course. I can imagine being a behavioral consultant within the school system -this is dream world; I don't think such a position exists; but in dream world, plenty of resources and time to observe and then counsel teachers, perhaps implement sometimes if appropriate, helpful. So, how did this school thing come about? Well, Seth took me to an informational session at LC on a Saturday in January and I spur of the moment began a class that Tuesday. The lure? Two months off in summer, two weeks off at Christmas, and about 10K more in salary. Stress level will be much higher.

So, you might notice, this means no kids. Yep, kids are off the table for the time being. Seth did shots inconsistently and painfully (mentally and physically), then was quitting but geared self up to give it one more try but to do it right this time. Consistent shots for about 4 or 5 months before he couldn't take it anymore and we quit. And preganancy had not occurred. Dr. K had next steps to pursue but we didn't make it to that. So no kids. No children. Okay, yes, adoption is still on the table, but fostering looks more likely. Childlessness: Advantages: no responsibility for welfare of a child (what an enormous huge huge responsibility). All money for us, no responsibility for child. Disadvantages: no responsibility for a child... No child. No child. No child.

We are not building after all in the beautiful place with the big rocks and running water. It was north-facing and bedrock was very near the surface. So we're building across the road from Mom's. Survey turned out to be $5,800 (not $2,000). Seth just sent the check to the architect for the house plans - $2,800. Seth is the mover on this. I'm not much involved.

Alright, that's all for now.

Annual Entry?

The title of the blog, Hidden In Huddleston, looks like it will remain appropriate for some time, probably it will become even more appropriate. Seth and I have found a house site....we think. Actually, Seth and Troy found it, in the area we had already decided made the most sense, although we weren't passionate about it, it was more or less just Okay, good enough, good as anything, nothing special about the site itself, only the location was significant. But we found a site that is gorgeous and I was immediately energetic about as soon as I saw it. As soon as I saw it, I said yep, uh-huh, let's do it, definitely, I can get behind this, no problem, let's go ahead. It's deepish into the woods, if pressed I'd guess two-tenths of a mile as the crow flies back from the main road, but that's most likely fairly inaccurate. There is running water. In all my dreams, if I can't have a stream with moss banks and large rocks in my living room, then I will take a stream nearby, with elevation changes so there are gurgles and visible air pockets, and rocks too please, not sandy rocks, I guess I mean boulders, or outcrops. Boulders sounds unstable. I don't like that feeling. That's not what I mean. Big rocks definitely is what I mean after all.

This very afternoon in fact, Joe is coming out to Troy's and while he's there, he's going to help Seth start the survey file for the piece. Mom's property, Seth figured, would probably take a minimum of $2,000 to survey, and that must be done before we cut a piece out. With Joe helping us out, we'll be able to cut the cost drastically.

Holly and Troy have Zeke and only Zeke. Holly says if I become pregnant I must tell her right away and they will try to ummm... follow suit immediately. This is because can't you imagine how much better it would be for all if two kids were born together? We could support each other so efficiently and the two kids could support each other so well. Personally I would like twins and be done with it, since I'm nearing mid-thirties and feel I'm already pushing the physical bests - both for me and a child/children. Twins because I believe in the goodness of siblings. Oh, and no, it is in fact not likely that we will have children (we being Seth and me, not Holly and me). This is quite hypothetical. Next month we will ask Dr. K about beginning the beginning, but even IF the plan succeeds (not good odds) we're talking a lot of time. And yes, adoption is of course open to us, but, well, there's a large conversation we have around that.

Erica, little Erica, sweet darling Erica, is engaged. She is engaged to Bradley, Bradley who we like, Bradley who miraculously fits in with our family. Erica is engaged. Oh my oh my. They became officially engaged New Year's Day. The wedding is planned for the first weekend in October. It is wonderful.

Dad is still dead. Funny that. How is that? Hmmm... Odd. He's not really, right? It does seem to be becoming steadily more real, creepingly steadily. Yep, steadily with the seasons. But still yet, not fully real. That's why I can write the first sentence of this paragraph like that. It feels almost like I'm making a joke to people who don't know any better.

10 More Reasons

Ehhhh, what's two years?

1. He plays by bushogging my mom's fields.

2. He comes home from work and likes to sit down in a rocking chair on the front porch, get his appropriate accompaniments, and tell me about his day. This is part of completing his day. He also wants to hear about my day.

3. He goes to the doctor to do the minimum to see what he can do to be healthy, even though it wasn't his natural inclination. He goes for it more than he ignores it.

4. He never, ever, never, criticizes me. Never. This is a wonder and wonderful. It has made me blossom.

5. His hair is still great...but really, aggg, not very significant. I started thinking standards and stereotypes. I think I will nullify this entry but leave it documented, by adding a number 11.

6. Well, significantly, I still love his entire physical aspect. Yes, his smell still is one of the very best I could ever ask for. It is still highly comforting, highly ingestible. Has an almost tangible and nourishing quality.

7. He is gentle.

8. He is a charmer in social situations (only, of course, when he is not retreating from anxiety attacks). He can small talk and draw in people from many different cultures, and do it sincerely.

9. He trusts me a lot.

10. He protects me. When he sees a situation that I might be hurt by he moves to divert, change, or make me aware so that I might consider.

11. To nullify #5. Gotta go with the obvious I suppose. He is silly, witty, funny a very good amount of the time.

10 Reasons I Love My Husband

Following Curt's lead, I'm going to freethink on 10 reasons I love my husband. The idea being, there are hundreds, and why not list a few at a time...

1. His hands are large, gentle, comforting, safe, and calm me down most effectively.

2. He has great hair - thick, curly, long, beautiful. And he takes more pains with his than I do with mine. I can smile about that.

3. He can throw together a mean soup from cans in the cupboard.

4. He can be in tune with animals, specifically the ones that live in his home.

5. He deeply respects and loves his parents, particularly his father.

6. He prefers a cozy night at home to a wild party.

7. He will notice any cars for sale along the road. Always. And keeps a running fantasy "to buy" list in his head.

8. He fixed our futon so that the cushion no longer migrates off the frame.

9. He wanted to "teach in the sticks" and now he's doing it.

10. He looks for books when he wants to learn more about an interest that has come up that day or week.

Rubbin' da feet

It's what I do on most Wednesdays. It started out as massage day. Then, this one guy had a toenail fungus, and

I

became

fascinated.

So I began soaking his feet and then cutting and scraping and doing as much as I could to the Nitty Gritty. What can I say. I've always been fascinated with the human body. And of course afterwards, I'd rub the feet and calves with lotion. And this was therapeutic. To him as well as me. So I started offering, nay, encouraging, foot rubs to the other two in the group of the day (instead of a shoulder or arm or whatever they chose 15-minute massage). And working on someone's feet, sitting before them, pouring in...compassion...nurturing...gentleness, is therapeutic. Those who know about Reflexology know that a foot massage can easily affect the whole body. Heck, those who have recieved a foot massage know that. The feet have been soaking in warm water with epsom salts or perhaps castille soap or perhaps apple cidar vinegar (to loosen lactic acid from the muscles), and so you're not dealing with...funk. But still, you have to be INto it in order to do it. You should not do this as rote, as perfunctory, definitely not as a chore. It wouldn't work.

Wednesdays can be counted on for structure, for control, for security, for warmth. Today was a Wednesday and good.

This and That

In keeping with the journal format and not the blog so much, I want to catch up this evening.

It's the end of a weekend here, Sunday night, children's happy yells echoing across the road. It's been a slightly unremarkable weekend, in other words, pleasant. Last weekend, I should mention, the In-Laws came. This was quite pleasant as well. It was the first time they've visited us in our new home. I am so so so lucky to have joined this family. They are loving and supportive, very much like my own family, in that their offspring have not chosen exactly model roads or necessarily used money wisely in their short-lived lives. I think both sets of parents are proud however of the love that their progeny give to the world, of their independent thinking, of their compassion, of their desire to do "right." At least, this is what we've absorbed as their motivation for being so proud of us. Hee hee. (I had to add that.)

My dad is very tired lately. He needs lots of naps. He can't stay up late. He often has to leave the group. I think he is disheartened by this. I think he thought that the fatigue was only an after-effect of the chemo, yet it's continued even though the chemo was last week and this confuses and possibly scares him. I think it's an effect of the cancer as well. Understandable. I haven't said this directly to him.

Today Seth took me to the library. I phrase it that way because I wouldn't have gone had he not suggested and followed through with it. I checked out a cd rom for ASL (American Sign Language) and I recommend it. "American Sign Language Dictionary by Webster, Millenium" and it's number 3 of a 4 part series. You may remember that I took the full series of 3 classes of ASL that the local community college offered. I was lucky to have a great teacher, Marycate.

Seth also took me to lunch at Hunan Restaurant in Bedford. It's neat that we can each still feel "taken out" by the other at times even though we share all income now.

I also did laundry, the weekly sweeping and shaking of the rugs, and one or two other miscellaneous household cleaning chores, today's were get rid of the shelf that had been by the heater since fall has come and we have had to turn on the propane and kill the mildew spots in the laundry and bath room. Seth vaccumed and straightened the living room.

On the last day of September Seth got his first paycheck from the county and boy oh boy was that nice. We paid off the Buick mechanic bill and paid the propane refill the day it was received. Good times. Feels so good to feel secure financially.

My sister seems quieter these days when I talk to her by phone or see her in person. Granted, I'm not in regular or frequent contact with her. I need to learn more.

This is a busy month. We have my dear friend Beth's new child's baptism on the 24th, a river rafting trip for Seth next weekend, the Bedford book festival featuring Nikki Giovani next weekend, the 5th annual Halloween party of the Brown's on the 30th (always the Saturday before Halloween), at least three doctor's appointments which I can think of offhand, and then the usual weekly activities.

Speaking of usual weekly activities, I'm missing communion with others in the context of focusing on God. I'm missing this because I'm not focusing on God much in my other time. So of course I made a decision to do so...but...community helps. Our house church has been postponed indefinitely and Seth and I have not been going to church on Sundays. I KNOW that this is a personal as well as a community matter but I'm feeling lacking. That's simply all I'm saying. I'm simply noting it. I want, I need, it is best for ALL, the more I can connect/stir/listen.

Brinker, sweetness that she is, is at my feet, having some dream, and she's sighing and and huffing. The felines, Sisty and Quacli, continue to do well, become closer each week. They chase each other for fun and sleep near, though not next, to each other on the bed, couch, floor, whatever.

That's all for now. Wishing you a peaceful and perhaps brilliant week, I sign off lovingly and thankfully.